Seeing as how we are t-minus 2 weeks and change to Shore Leave 25, and seeing as how I am the Chief of Recreation for this boat, I thought I'd give all the new crewmembers a crash course in how to 'Ride the Donkey' and not miss out on the extra cool stuff that doesn't make the official schedule. The soft seedy underbelly of Shore Leave at Starbase Hunt Valley, if you will.

The Ground Rules
Okay, Shore Leave rocks (r0xx0r) and it's a great way to release a year's worth of tension in a Devil May Care But I Don't environment, BUT unless you wish to be ousted, either by friends or by the con, here's the ground rules. They aren't posted, they just are; Pay attention.

1. Act responsibly.
2. Do not rush the stars/guests. Be polite, they are people trying to chill just like you.
3. Do not stalk the stars.
4. As a representative of your ship and of Starfleet, be on your best behaviour when running about. Last thing we need is someone being a huge ass and then getting the ship or fleet looked at horridly.
5. No posting of signs on elevator doors! It's a fire-hazard and a whole lot of no fun.

TREKKIES 2 GENERAL ALERT
Now this year is an extra little challenge. Apparently Denise Crosby will be in attendance making the Trekkies 2 Documentary. If you should see Denise at any point, assume there is a camera present and then pretend you're being scrutinized by the world…. You are. This is not to say that you should act fake, but please act with decorum, respect and dignity. Remember, anything you say or do may end up on film… so don't do anything you don't want on theater screens across the country. In short, if you feel a Jerry Springer moment coming on if you see Denise or her crew, best to beat a dignified exit. And leave any personal grudges off the screen shall we ;)

Sensible Footwear
You will be tempted to wanna leave your comfy shoes at home and strut in style at Shore Leave. This is natural, but not the smartest thing to do. In short, bring at least two pairs of shoes. One dressy/casual and another pair of casual shoes. I can't tell you how many times its either rained or been hell to walk with someone who chose to wear uncomfortable footwear when running about town at Shore Leave. Bottom line, there is a lot of highway in Hunt Valley and you need to be able to cross it quickly. If you aren't planning on driving to your off-site destinations, wear sensible shoes.. sneakers/canvas shoes. Nothing that will trip you, fall off easily or get sucked into a hitherto unknown sinkhole.

Places To Hang Out
The Paddock Lounge & Bar - Quite possibly the best place on site to see and be seen, and the best place to sight convention guests on arrival. This place is located to the left of the Front Desk, and is absolutely an essential visit.

The Paddock is divided into two sections. The Bar and the Lounge. The lounge is what you walk through to get to the bar area. Sit here in the non-smoking environs and find a good spot. Friday night, get in here around 9-10ish or after the BLT (mentioned later) and wait for your quarry, otherwise known as the Guests.

Guests may already arrive by the time you have, but likely, there are a few stragglers, and not all stars are keen on room service. Get a spot with a good view, stars come and sit with the rest of the normal people in the Bar area. (Its easily defendable with their keen bodyguard types if necessary and has an escape route through the doors to the pool area.

The Cinnamon Tree - To the left of the Paddock Bar, the Cinnamon Tree is the Paddock's conjoined twin. By the time things get good on Friday, it will be closed. Mark its location for Sunday morning, the buffet here is a must eat, and you definitely want to save 15$ to partake. (Its cheaper than that, but 15$ is a good amount to keep you in safety). So, long story short, unless you want to end up broke and out of the action, it is suggested that you ignore this location until 7-8am Sunday morning.

Poolside - Definitely a great location to get away from it all. Located adjacent to the Paddock Bar area, it has an indoor/outdoor pool combo that's connected underwater. Inside is a hot tub and sauna. Don't hit the sauna kids.. nothing fun happens in there… the sauna's aren't co-ed and if you're caught with a viable mating subject there, loads of problems will ensue. Best just to avoid that and take it to a room.. there's a lot of those at the hotel.

You'll generally find the movers and shakers in fleet here. Typically sunning and reading, waiting for their panels or activities to get going.

The Hallways - Otherwise known as corridors, these areas of access run throughout the hotel and are a lot of fun to roam. Keep an eye out for flyers and ear out for goings on that are only mentioned by strangers in passing. Typically you can find fanzine sales, drunken stars, room parties and the like, just by hanging out in these areas (subtlety is the key, you mustn't seem to be loitering). Play it cool and the dividends will pay out in spades. A great time to roam is about 12-3a.m.

Things You Shouldn't Miss By Any Means
Friday Fleet Dinner - Typically the Starfleet contingent gets together around 6-ish in the main lobby to go for dinner across the street at either the Outback Steakhouse or the Italian Restaurant or Friendly's restaurants. Typically it's a smattering of all those, but usually it's the first two. These places are pricey tho. And don't think that you'll all be seated together. They typically don't have the space. If its your first time going, make some acquaintances in the lobby of the hotel and outside the restaurant… this minimizes the chances of being seated with total strangers at dinner.*

[* = Addendum by Field Researcher: Rosenzweig, Alex; "One thing worth noting is that, more than ever before, Fleet folk have become aware of the huge variety of culinary options down on York Road. From Indian to Scottish, along with the usual IHOP, diner, and Italian fare, there are a wide array of restaurants to choose from, with the possibility that people may be scattering farther afield than in prior years." ]

Sunday Morning Brunch - Mentioned earlier on this is typically taken in by the group as a whole. Don't miss it.. Real freshly made omelettes, Belgian Waffles… yummy yum-yum! Time determined by events.

The Rave - Mojo, formerly Visual FX Supervisor for Foundation Imaging, now gone freelance last I checked, hosts a themed Rave event every year. Typically starting after Ten Forward for a few hours (1a.m. Sat morning on…) this thing is MAJOR and LOUD. If you are roaming the halls on Friday you should see Mojo running about and be able to glean the theme… if not, check a wall… he advertises.

Ten Forward - Your typical dance event. Saturday night, after the Masquerade in the Hunt and Valley rooms. Bottom level of the hotel, roundabouts next to the hall where you should attend the Meet the Pro's party.

The BLT - Otherwise known in longhand as the B.athing Suit, L.ingerie, T.oga Party. This typically takes place Saturday prior to the Ten Forward Dance. This is usually an invitation only event and is held in one of the guest rooms. If you are elite enough, or know someone who is, you'll be expected to attend and the information will be fed to you through auditory vibration of air particles impacting your inner ear.

Guests are REQUIRED to either be wearing Bathing Suits, Lingerie OR Togas. There are NO exceptions to this rule. Even if you've been a long time attendee, stopping by for five minutes, or shooting for a movie… IE- If Denise Crosby and film crew were to show up, they don't get in unless they come in BLT attire. That's the rules. I didn't make em' but I support em. (NOTE: If you've not been invited, don't pout, it's a short pre-party and we'll all meet at the Ten Forward later.)

Pirate Party - This is a great place to get hands on with other con-goer's, lose your inhibitions and well… if you saw the Zion orgy scene in the Matrix: Reloaded, then this is the Shore Leave equivalent. Its held in the ZERO WING of fleet rooms and you may need to do some searching to find it, but once you do, you'll have no question you have arrived. There is also usually a theme to the Pirate party.. be prepared to arrive in the prescribed attire if possible.

Chances are there will be stars in attendance as this party has a long-standing history. Former attendees include Tony Todd, Bruce Boxleitner, Jerry Doyle, and Richard Biggs, among other notables. Feel free to make the stars acquaintance.

(WARNING: There is liquor and debauchery and a lot of people crammed into one space. If you are under -18 years of age, you are NOT allowed to attend. Them's the rules kids.)

Meet The Pro's (Author's Party) - Friday 10pm. Long hallway downstairs… no the real downstairs. A lot of fun and should not be missed for any reason. These folks write the adventures we read and they are a fantastic lot. Besides, Keith & Teresa will be there most likely, and Marco, John, Howie and Bob, and unless I miss my guess, so will Peter and Larry and about ten more well knowns. If you are wondering who these folks are, after the event, you'll have all the information you need. Be polite and stop by, let them know you appreciate their appearance.

A special note. Don't be put off by Peter… that's the way he is. He's a good guy really. And umm.. if Marco is drunk.. again… then congratulate him on how wonderful he is and ask him why he hasn't called you back. After that, you're on your own… he's nice, don't worry about screwing up your intro.. he won't remember too much in the morning.

Mystery Trekkie Theater - Typically held on Sunday morning, Bob, Harvey and Peter regale us with episodes of Trek with a MST3K bent. Callbacks to the program in question will be handled by the three of them, not the audience… tis easier that way and respectful since they will be writing the witty callbacks all weekend long.

Taxes, Food, Things And Supplies (Kvet! V-Kich'!)
Maryland Tax Rate - Its 13% folks. Jersey is 6%… ummm be prepared. Also tipping rates I believe are 18% not 15% on your checks. Bear this in mind.

Onboard Facilities - You can typically always get some form of food and supplies either at the Pizza Hut (or pizzeria uno… whatever they're calling it these days) just across from the pool… directly across from the pool really ;) They have breakfast stuffs, and dinner stuffs but bear in mind its all high priced and a large pizza is about a medium size to us here in Jersey. Even the personal pan pizza's are pricey. Still, stop in, they've got Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies too… great for lots of cravings.

Also available, you'll find little hotel food stall setups in the main con thoroughfare's. This stuff is pricey like you wouldn't believe but the cheesesteaks WILL tempt you. Get one… only one and remember the flavor for the rest of your stay with wreckless abandon as you eat other cheaper food. You cannot afford to keep these food stalls in business on your dime.

If you need actual stuff for your stay, there's a gift shop type thing too. Its right next to the restrooms in the main lobby (you pass it on the way to the rest rooms). They've got stuff too, from film to swimsuits… its there but your gonna pay through the nose.

Offsite Fun Stuff - There's a movie theater behind the mall across the street. It shows various films and has stadium type seating. Its pretty swank and definitely a hike on foot. Bring sensible shoes.

There's an IHOP down the road and to the right. And its open at 2a.m. which is good for late arrivals on Friday night.

How to do it all without starving or paying a lot for a muffler - At the end of shawan road, is a shopping center. You can buy food there to sustain you for the weekend if you run low or would like not to haul a ton of food AND your luggage. It's a sensible choice. There's also a pizza place and chinese restaurant there. Both slightly less pricey than the con.

Also down this way are gas stations and I think I saw a Pizza Hut.

What to do if you suddenly come face to face with the star of your dreams
1. DO NOT MENTION THE WORD STALKER!
2. Be courteous.
3. Know who you're star is… nothing worse than confusing yourself and them.
4. Never ask them about any messages/gifts you may have sent prior to or at the con. They don't know anything about that stuff anyway and you'd be putting them on the spot and heading to stalker-town if you brought it up.
5. Thank them for their time. But make it brief.

Things to do to friends and enemies
The Klingon Jail - Occasionally they skip a year, but usually there is a Klingon Jail on the lower convention area. This jail has big burly Klingons that love to run about and arrest people at the con and torture them mercilessly for fun and charity. They take pictures and hunt folks down, even in the pool. They charge a fee, which is posted and goes to charity, and they require that you know where your quarry is located and when. Then… pay the Klingons, give them something to charge your quarry with and set em loose. Its always a blast to see folks being brought down in shackles looking all up ons Planet of the Apes ;)

In Conclusion:
Nothing here is intended to piss off special guests and friends we've made over time. Its all in fun, so forgive us.. we're not canadian enough to get away with all this without a disclaimer ;) That being said, this, Like the DM's Guide, is just a guide, it guarantees nothing, not even 100% accuracy as things change from year to year, so just deal if people are gathering elsewhere for some weird reason. However this should help narrow down your choices for targeting your prowling ventures. Please tho, be observant, don't all prowl the same area at the same time. Be considerate of your other convention go-ers, and feel free to chuck the guide book if some unforgettable offers present themselves :)

(c 2003, Lourdes C., Recreation Dept., Medical Division, USS Avenger NCC-1860)