It seems I do indeed have my own Dr. Carol Marcus.

It is very hard to look at your life ahead, when presented with someone from your past, you are simultaneously still in love with, feel the need to protect, and have completely failed, with no chance for resolution.

There's no way to resolve the situation. Nothing I can do. Hell I'm not responsible for some of the shit I take the guilt for, and I do it on my own because I feel totally unable to cope with facts any other way, as if the stress is my way of atonement for an obligation to protect that I couldn't possibly have fulfilled unless I gave up my own needs in their entirety. But isn't that what love is about, the willingness to sacrifice. Isn't it perhaps the fact that I didn't, couldn't evidence enough? Is it truly any wonder that she left, unable was I to make that commitment of the very self for her. For me? For the unit of us?

And would it have been worth my very soul if I had turned left instead of right, stayed home, instead of to work, to say, Yes, I Love You enough to give my everything. Would it have been so hard for her to say I love you anyway? There's no need...? To not get on that godforsaken plane?

Gods I hate Personal Socio-temporal mechanics.

(c 2003, Lourdes C., Recreation Dept., Medical Division, USS Avenger NCC-1860)

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