Greetings Everyone!

In my ever expanding list of stuff going on in my life, also known as this running log on my little area of this website, aka what you're looking at right now ;), I give little snippets, here and there, about how transition is going. If you've got the time to read through about all the changes, you might be relatively up to date, but if you don't have that sort of time or you're looking for a milestone sum-up, welcome to today's post. The Lourdes Underwood State Of Transition.

** IF YOU ARE READING THIS AT WORK, YOU MAY WANT TO WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME, EVERY COMPANY'S 'ACCEPTABLE USE' POLICY DIFFERS AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET FIRED IF SOMEONE ELSE'S IDEA OF RACY OR INAPPROPRIATENESS DIFFERS FROM YOUR OWN **

CHANGES

Okay since the transition started...

Cold: I'm frelling cold, all the time. My body heat escapes like I'm venting plasma. Its annoying, I used to be fine between 60-77Degrees Fahrenheit and could stand medium durations in freezing weather with negligible effects with minimum coverage.

Now my zone has got to be somewhere in the 77-82Degree range, because anything else is too cold or too hot. I can't stand *ANY* duration in freezing weather and a cold chill breeze sends me into literal convulsions.

Sensitivity: My skin is ultra-sensitive now. Those that knew how sensitive I was before know that this is a huge interesting problem/blessing now. I say it this way because in certain situations its pleasurable to the extreme.

The big thing, is that before when I touch things with my hands, it felt like I was wearing gloves. I could feel some pressure, but not much texture. I no longer have that issue and its wonderful. If you'd like to experiment to see what I mean, out on those thick rubber dishwashing gloves for about an hour and try to identify objects by touch. Then take them off and do the same thing. It'll give you an idea of the difference.

The drawback is I've got to be more careful how I walk or slide by things, walls, people because if I hit something wrong, especially in the upper torso region, alarms go off and massages are necessary.

Pain: I've never been one for pain, but I have noticed something odd, and this is definitely since transition though I'm not sure if it is "related" I still know pain as pain at the moment it happens, but scratches, deep ones, feel good after the fact now where they didn't before.

Multi-Tasking: I thought I was a multi-tasker before, but I really wasn't I don't think. Now I definitely am. Initially it was hard to get this under control, mind racing 1000 different things, 10 of which were always on deck and 5 I got to pick from to concentrate on at any given moment and I couldn't shut it off. This kicked in after about 6 months of being on hormones and wow, was I unprepared, things were happening at the time I'd rather not have thought about 24/7, I didn't have the choice though. If you think of it as suddenly becoming telepathic without mental barrier. It took me about 3months to build the barriers and now I can use it as a skill. Very nice these days :)

Emotional Response/Management: About 6months into Hormone treatment, I had a very abrupt emotional detachment in the form of a breakup and the response to it, even by my standards was scary, it was like slowly being skinned on a daily basis. Ask Tony if you need an eyewitness account, I was talking with him on New Years about it with a group of people and he described it I believe as watching the living dead walk around.. but I'll try and replace this with a direct quote later ;) I'm still not okay with the breakup but it took me until october really to get beyond it, and thanks to memory multitasking and excellent event recall, I haven't forgotten on iota of any of it. But I'm able to function.

Directness/Subversiveness: Okay, those that know me know I can be a very direct person. When I have an issue, I'll talk to you about it. I may choose to use diplomacy or be blunt, but right then and there, you know if I have an issue and what it is. Well NOT ANYMORE.

This is something I've noticed over the past year and its been sliding from the direct end of the spectrum to the subversive end. Now, if I have a problem, nine times out of ten, I've had it for a while. I haven't said anything, I've tried to let stuff slide, and that's that.

I also try to deal with things behind the scenes and on the lowkey and try to 'arrange' resolutions rather than using blunt brute force tactics. Well this is something I'm trying to come to terms with now because I see the problem with that. It lets things build into a very bad situation. I'm a slow kettle now, and sniping does happen on occasion. I'll let you know how this works out.

Self-Esteem/Validation/Inclusiveness: Self Esteem has been under fire hardcore for the last 3 months or so. I only notice it now thanks to a few day sabbatical and some introspection. Basically I've been feeling lonely, unwanted, unneeded, and had/still have some personal body image problems. Luckily most of that is cleared up and in a manageable state. Going through this sort of thing makes you self-conscious to the n-th, and as I've found out, takes a tremendous toll on the psyche. Sometimes you can't just be without thinking about how others perceive you and finding a place where I don't have to care about that because I know full well, is a welcome respite. The results of the sabbatical are that I feel wanted again (in various ways) though not necessary to any specific equation, and my image problems while ongoing, I'm working on and able to cope with.

Muscle Strength: I can't lift things, okay you happy now ;) No seriously, I can't lift heavy packages, and by heavy I mean things like Mini-towers. Which sucks as addicted to pc's as I am. I can do it for like 5 feet or so, but if they're extra heavy forget it, I need a lifting assist by way of technology. This has come into play heavily in recent moves of friends where it feels like after a box or two I've nearly pulled my arms out of their sockets, so I'm trying to be nice and gracefully decline move assists, offering only to supervise as necessary. Sorry folks :(

New Muscle Usage: I swear the day after, THE DAY AFTER I started on hormones, I gained control of two muscle groups in my upper torso that I *never* had use of before. I'll spare you the details but lets just say they'll help greatly doing elvira's bra trick in the vegas scene at the end of "Mistress Of The Dark" ;) But this will come in time.

Re-Distribution of Fat: Oh doesn't that just sound yummy! Not. But it bears noting, my pelvic bone no longer feels like its piercing through the flesh on my hips when I'm laying on my side. Fat redistributes to the thighs, posterior and hips during mtf transition and its definitely something to which I and others can attest, the booty is on the grow they say, and people like it... its filling the bill nicely.

Torso Regionals: Yep the breast region is on the grow too. Currently at a B Cup and increasing slowly over time... I don't wanna wait, but I have to, so that's that. But still I'm pleased with the growth. And Em, you were right 'bout the bra thing.

Sex Drive: Its stabilized a bit. It used to be high on the list of things to sate, and then once on hormones that took a nose dive and I had no interest in it. Then it came back slowly and gradually, but not to the levels previous, of which I am pleased. Then about November of this I started on a second hormone, Provera, and my interest in sex is well, its there, and its nice when had, but I can go without with no problems... which causes other slight physical complications down the line if I don't maintain an interest because of certain items of related anatomy actually shrinking *that's right kids* if they're not used regularly, and this in-turn may cause doctor's to have less to work with turning my outey into an inney ;) So hormone effects are definitely something to be kept in the know on ;)

Tsunami's: The Tsunami affected asia like no tommorrow and that affects us all in some ways. It affects me in that my hormone supply comes from Bangkok, Thailand. So when I go to re-order, I may be delayed and this could cause Lourdes to be almost absolutely unbearable until a new supply can be secured as necessary. So we're all one big community after all in my mind.

UPCOMINGS

IPL Treatment: Happily thanks to hard work, determination and perseverance, I'm able (with the help of a larger than usual paycheck) to begin IPL Treatment!

What is IPL Treatment? Well IPL is an Intense Pulsed Light technology that, to quote a website on the subject, ".. works by emitting pulses of intense lamplight into the hair follicles. The light is absorbed by the pigment in the follicles and converted to heat. The heat then loosens hair and disables the cells responsible for growing new hair."

Basically its 10x as efficient and alot less painful than standard Laser Hair Removal. And that's what I'll be doing.. so Yay! No More Razors 'cepting touch ups on the legs ;) My appointment for consultation is Friday 1/14 at 9:45a.m. (I'll let you know how it goes).

Therapy: I've been going to therapy for over 3-4 months now and its something required for transition. Its basically to ensure that I know what I'm doing and to make sure I'm not suffering from anything else that might make transition a bad idea.

But my therapist and I are helping me work through some other issues in my past and help me acclimatize to changes that are going on psychologically and to help me deal with some things better. Which, to be honest, is a big help. I'm enjoying the process but being in the driver's seat with it is a little daunting. Still Its a fascinating process to hack one's own brain and it provides much needed insight and is allowing me to reconfigure my personal shields for better relationships with people and I like that.

My ultimate aims are to understand myself better, get my letter of authorization for transition and basically be a well rounded member of society before and after. And my Therapist is a great sounding board.

CONCLUSION

And this brings the "State Of Transition" Update to a close. Its been fun to compile and have alot of these things down in a list so when anyone asks, just what's changed so far, I can just point em here for the majors. Its also nice to have em down for posterity, so when I look back someday on all this, I can see where things were just a year or so in.

Mostly though, I'd like to think that this will be helpful to all my other Transgendered Sisters out there going through this, I got to read up on another website about someone's transition, and sadly, it hasn't been updated much since after surgery, but it helped me immensely to see someone's experience through and after the transition process, It is my hope that this will be similiarly helpful.

Lastly, I hope this proves insightful for those just hearing about it, or those that are curious enough as to look in on my life from time to time. So here it is. More updates to come in the future ;) After all, only 5 days since last post...




(c 2003-2005, Lourdes C., Recreation Dept., Medical Division, USS Avenger NCC-1860)